Hot Safer Sex

{November 21, 2007}   A Quickie, Before We Go Back to Condom Stuff

…and in honor of the labor of love being done by so many today:

He glanced at the latex gloves on the equipment table and hesitated a moment. Should he be careful and don the gloves? He knew that he was clean. All her tests were cleared. He knew that much, as that was a very important factor in his search for her. He wondered if he was just a squeamish wuss about the moistness of natural flesh. Was he just a neurotic metrosexual? Deciding to push beyond his urban skittishness, he lubricated his bare hands with the oils“.

from an article by Midori (nws picture)

Meanwhile, wow, the comments here and in my livejournal (which I’m hoping to transplant here) have become a really fascinating discussion. In fact, this is kind of the dream of any blog; since I can’t actually invite all of you really awesome people into the same room to have this discussion, we can have it here, and wow, such great comments! Even when they strayed from the “hot” part of hot safer sex and into the realm of stats and fluid dynamics, it was still really neat to read for this sapiosexual.

That being said, I have a few reactions, some of which are in a bit of disagreement – or, at least, with some divergent opinions.

  • The whole maneuver only takes about four seconds from wrapper to paradise“-Sherynb, that “four seconds” you talk about is the mark of a seasoned veteran. I don’t know that I could put it on that quickly (especially if it has the dreaded “reverse roll” effect) and not all trysts are of the “friendly and conversational” variety. The question is, what if it’s one of those deep emotional moments, and you’re talking about love and such, and then suddenly there’s…what, a commercial break? Of course, that’s an argument for practicing, but I don’t think many people do that.
  • My response to “Don’t you trust me?”: “Sure I do. But it makes me more comfortable.”” I also think that is a great strategy for a woman, because men in our culture (well, the Sensitive New Age variety, anyway) are taught that a woman’s comfort is paramount, and therefore that reason should be enough. Were a man to say that, I suspect the label of “selfish bastard” would be pretty quickly applied. Something more along the lines of “I’ll just do better if I know that you’re protected,” might work, but I love – LOVE – the pancake solution.
  • CharlyB had a great post that I really can’t summarize here; I’d suggest you go to the comments and read it if you haven’t. One thing that I really took from that is the idea that “RISK TOLERANCE IS PERSONAL — it comes from thought and feeling and experience, and thus doesn’t always mesh well with the “facts.”” This kind of goes along with the idea of “It makes me more comfortable,” but I think it’s important that it be respected in both directions – i.e., if one person’s risk tolerance is less stringent than yours, there needs to be enough mutual respect that you do not hold that over them as a character flaw. It can be a great topic of conversation, but keeping it hot means being tolerant of their right to make their own decisions. Sure, it can be frustrating as hell if you really want to suck their cock and they don’t want to use a condom…but that’s what fantasy is for, right?
  • Minx writes: “I’ve definitely heard the “I can’t come that way,” both with oral and PIV sex. Really, that should’ve sent me flying in the other direction, because that would mean that the guy(s) in question would have regularly had oral or PIV sex without condoms, right?” Not necessarily. It might just mean they don’t cum from those particular activities, even though they enjoy them. Personally, I have never been able to cum from oral sex with a condom on. Hell, I have a hard time achieving orgasm from oral sex without a condom. It just doesn’t do it for me, usually. That does NOT mean I don’t enjoy receiving the languisement. And I enjoy PIV sex whether I’m going to have an orgasm or not – though I’m often very paranoid about the other person having one. Good topic for a future post: how important is the orgasm, and how important should it be?

Speaking of which, I’d like to put out a challenge to anyone who wants to write: Let’s come up with the top 10 things to for a hot sexy date when you don’t have a condom, or if your personal risk tolerances don’t mesh. What else do we like to do?


I like to give lapdances.

sherynb says:

I’m giggling at “seasoned veteran”, and yes, you are correct that it can be a bit more fumbly than that. I’m a fan of the condoms that come in the little dish, because I always know which way is up when I grab it, and I’ve never launched one into the darkness tearing the package open with my teeth. Unfortunately, they don’t come in the bigger, or smaller, sizes.

We’ve got a lot of different things mixed up in this question though. What do you do in the heat of the moment? That’s a LOT different than what should have already been done by the time you’re “talking about love and such”…and if you’re talking at the time…as opposed to a breathless “oh, you don’t need that” out of the blue.

I don’t doubt that there’s a double standard of “women should be comfortable” and men who want to be comfortable are “selfish bastards” out there. I’ll just go with anybody that immature needs more than one reality check. There is nothing inherently selfish about a man wanting to wear a condom. To call it that is not rational behavior, and, probably not at all about condoms.

That said, what you said is actually a variation of the same thing. The words are irrelevant, the attitude is important. The message is “Yes, thank you, I understand and appreciate your offer and I’m sure you are quite sincere and safe…but I’m going to put a condom on it, because I want to. Or, I’ll happily find something else for us to do.” Your risk tolerance doesn’t have to be the same as mine. I’m certainly not going to argue with you. But if I’m gonna play, I’m going to play this way. End of message. Line in sand…gently put, firmly held.

I think the bigger issue is that we are still operating with a mental default of “if we haven’t discussed barriers, the assumption is we weren’t going to use them.” It strikes me that we are well into an age when the default ought to be everybody does, for everything, unless we’ve specifically discussed otherwise. The discussion of whether, when and how to fluid-bond should be better planned than “oh, yeah, oops, forgot to ask, I s’pose we will.”

sherynb says:

As for hot sexy date when you don’t have a condom…you mean hot & erotic without risky behavior, or things like actual conversation?

My top 10 non-sex erotic dates

1. Flirt, over dinner, with sexy food (anybody see Jennifer Beal eat lobster in Flashdance?…my first crush on a woman). Any thing that lets you get messy, silly, and feed each other will do.

2. Dancing. Hot, sweaty, erotic, and fun. (There’s a reason so many religions disapprove.)

3. Curl up in front of a fire, with a glass of wine and share stories about first dates, first times, funny times, favorite things and fantasies while watching the flames (people tell more intimate details when they aren’t looking at each other).

4. Tell each other sexy stories based on the other’s fantasies, with your own twists (great for long-distance connections, too).

5. Long, slow erotic massage

6. Neck, like teenagers. Remember those long juicy sweaty hours of kissing and petting? How it didn’t “count” if you still had your clothes on!

7. Shower together. Few things are more erotic than having your hair skillfully washed and rinsed…and OOHHH…that spot in the middle of the back that’s so hard to reach alone.

8. Dance for each other. If you can shake off the inhibitions, there’s nothing hotter than a slow strip tease. Or for that matter, a fast one. If not, grab something to use as a blindfold and experiment with all sorts of sensual touches, tastes, smells. Play at guessing…or just enjoying.

9. Watch your partner masturbate. Tell a hot, sexy story while they do, or tease and touch all the other parts…or sit in a chair across the room and just watch, like a paying customer, or voyeur or some other role. Whatever is the most erotic for both of you. Turn the tables and perform for them. Make it a game not to let them touch themselves while you do…or not to stop, or come, until you do. (Yum!)

10. Masturbate together. Tell stories, touch each other, watch, don’t watch, try to come together if you want…maybe decide not to come at all, and just enjoy the sensations.

And then of course…there’s always dig all the change you can find out of both your cars and raid the nearest convenience store for condoms and/or plastic wrap. Surely the neighbors could spare a little cling wrap???

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